Author: Regis Butler

Mother’s Day is a day to celebrate our mothers for everything they do; their sacrifice, their love and their care. However, for so many people, even mothers, Mother’s Day presents an emotional challenge.

If you have been consuming social media recently, you have seen some videos of mothers talking about how this day has become a burden for them. One would think that when the day arrives, others would try to take away as much of the burden as possible so mothers can relax and enjoy the day. However, some mothers have found that they have to plan their own celebration. They will be asked, “what do you want to do today?”, which essentially gives mothers the mental workload of having to come up with ideas to plan their own day. Additionally, there are those mothers who have had no events planned for themselves and the other mothers in their life, so they end up having to step up and celebrate with each other.

There are also more painful reasons why Mother’s day is difficult to celebrate. There are those who are often reminded how their mothers are no longer with them. The first Mother’s Day after a loss will be the most difficult. Later, it can become a yearly reminder of this loss. It never gets easier to experience this day, but you will find a way to survive and celebrate positive memories each year.

Lastly, there are those with complicated relationships with their mothers. The relationship might be tumultuous, which makes it painful to see others able to celebrate their mothers. This can bring up unpleasant memories or trauma reactions. These individuals have probably grown up with mothers who are critical, neglectful and even abusive. 

If you identify with any of the above groups, finding community will ease the burden of this day. You are not alone in your discomfort with the day, so seek out others who understand your experience. This could mean joining support groups, reaching out to friends, or leaning on family members. 

Written by Leina Rodriguez,  LMFT

Being a parent is a 24-hour-a-day, 365 days-a-year job. You never stop being a parent; not in your sleep, not at college graduation, not at their wedding, and especially not when they have kids. You will always be this human’s parent; it’s wild! You will always walk this earth wearing your heart outside of your chest. Stress and anxiety may become your forever friends; foreva-eva, foreva-eva¹.

I am a Mom who experiences depression and anxiety. I am also the Mom of a 13-year-old girl who experiences depression and anxiety, so mental health is a daily conversation in our home. 

Anxiety had me in a chokehold at 13. It woke me in the middle of the night and distracted me throughout the day. When I started menstruating, my depression said, “it’s showtime”, throwing on a tophat, tails, tap shoes, and jazz hands-ing its way into my life. No one in my family knew what to do, and for years I suffered. There was a lot of crying, screaming, and panic attacks. When I became an adult, I learned about mental illness, started therapy, and found a psychiatric medication combination that fit me just right. I naively promised myself that my kid would never suffer the way I did.

Thirteen years ago, I gave birth to the most remarkable human being to walk the planet.  She was a great baby, a fun and loving toddler, and my ride-or-die until she was nine years old. At 10, anxiety, depression and puberty (a.k.a the dreaded period) came knocking and she was all, “wait til they get a load of me”. The last three years have turned my world upside down. I have never experienced this type of stress before. My anxiety levels are at an all-time high and on the weekends, I have difficulty getting out of bed.  

I was a fool because I thought I knew how to help my daughter navigate puberty. I thought I could throw on my supersuit and assemble like an Avenger with a child therapist to my right, a pediatric psychiatrist to my left. My personal knowledge and experience with depression and anxiety were my shield made of viburnum. But alas, my daughter Thanos-ed me². 

Some days I truly hate being a parent and want to tap out. There are days when her anxiety triggers my anxiety, my fuse is short, patience thin, and I have an overwhelming urge to scream, “I do not like you. Please leave me alone.” It is on those days that I must dig deep into my mental health reserve and ground myself. If I’m being honest, this doesn’t always work. There are days when the only way to the other side of these feelings is through them. I let myself feel anger, rejection, shame, hurt, and exhaustion; then I get up and I try again. 

There is nothing on earth that could have protected my child for her mental health journey; she came to me hardwired. It’s important to avoid the trap of blame when it comes to our kids’ mental health. Sometimes it feels like guilt and motherhood go hand-in-hand, but then I remember that my job is not to hide her from challenging experiences, it is to help her find the right tools for her mental wellness. I want her to thrive and be happy with her life. 

Every now and then, I get glimpses that she is actually internalizing my guidance in her own way. Recently, I had a severe panic attack. It was my first one in 13 years. My daughter found me in the fetal position, hyper-venting on our kitchen floor. She talked to me, and similar to her own reaction when she is panicked, I told her to leave me alone; and just like me, she didn’t listen. The apple fell pretty close to the tree. My daughter went into action by playing the one song that she knew would calm me. She sat with me and gave me the space to get through until I felt better. When I sat up, I felt exposed and raw. I thought, “how could I let her see me in this state?”. I felt so guilty for having her take care of me. Then I remembered the times that I’ve played music for her, sat with her, and attempted to soothe and ground her came back to me.

That day, my daughter showed me that through every battle she has had at the mercy of brain chemistry, she’s felt safe, secure, and cared for in a way that she wants to replicate for others. To me, that is priceless.

Written By: A Mom

 ¹Outkast, “Ms. Jackson”. Ms. Jackson, 2000.

 ²Whedon, J. (2012). The Avengers. Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures.

Spring is finally here! Winter can be a challenging season for any of us. The cold weather and gray skies can trigger Seasonal Affective Disorder, lead to depressive feelings, or further social isolation. Spring is all about reawakening; flowers bloom, patios open up, and morning walks begin. 

‘Spring Cleaning’ is a phrase that is used to describe the deep clean we often do as Spring rolls around; winter jackets get stored, dust gets cleared, and closets are cleaned. It’s a time to refresh and look forward to warmer and sunnier days. Though we usually think of ‘Spring Cleaning’ in terms of physical space, the idea can be applied to mental health too! Below are five ways to clean out some of the anxiety of the past few months:

1. Identify Your Stressors

Sometimes we get so caught up in feeling anxious that we forget the reason we started feeling this way. Start thinking about the origins of these feelings. Did you have a stressful day at work? An argument with your partner? Maybe you are anxious about a mistake you made. Recognizing the cause of anxiety can help us understand how to move through it in a healthy way.  

2. Create a ‘Releasing Ritual’

Once you understand where your anxiety is coming from, visualize yourself releasing it. Intentional breathing can be helpful; when you exhale, think about the stressor and picture it falling away. If you want, the ritual can be a bit more physical or literal; write the stressor on a piece of paper, rip it up, and throw it out. Releasing comes in many forms, find the one that feels right for you.

3. Write Down Goals for the Future

Thinking about the future can alleviate anxiety in the present. Try to think of things you are excited for in the future. If that doesn’t work, write about something that you want to achieve, and focus your thoughts and energy on making a plan to get there. 

4. Socialize 

Spending time with friends can be a great anxiety reducing activity. Choose to surround yourself with people who make you feel positive about the future and confident in yourself. If you are comfortable, open up to your friends and family about your anxiety. They may have good resources or tips to help you with your feelings.

5. Organize

If things start to feel chaotic in your brain, organize the physical space around you. The act of organizing can settle feelings of anxiety and be a physical symbol of calmness in your mind. Traditional ‘Spring Cleaning’ might actually help you clean out your anxiety. 

These are just five examples of the many ways that you can take stock of and reduce your anxiety. Use the change in seasons as a turning point for your mental health management.

You may have heard the term “Therapy Animal”, but how much do you know about their role in the world of mental health care? As Animal Assisted Therapy (AAT) becomes more mainstream, it is important that we learn their role, training, and the benefits of the animal-human bond.

First things first, let’s differentiate the titles of working animals:

• Animal Assisted Therapy (AAT): An animal who has the training of a therapy animal (provides comfort, affection to persons in crises) but is accompanied by a handler who is a mental health professional and utilizes the animal in professional therapeutic sessions.
• Emotional Support Animal: A companion animal that provides therapeutic benefits to individuals with a mental and/or psychiatric disability; these animals are NOT pets, (handlers with Anxiety, PTSD, or other psychiatric disabilities).
• Service Animal: An animal who is trained to work and/or perform tasks that directly relate to their handlers’ medical needs. These animals are NOT pets, (handlers with vision or other physical impairments, seizure disorders, Autism, etc.).
• Therapy Animals: Animals specifically trained to provide comfort and affection to people suffering from mental disorders/episodes. Animals handler can be a volunteer with no mental health training (visits hospitals, etc.).
• Working Animal: Animals who perform specific tasks at an expert level, (detection animals or search and rescue animals).

I first knew that Gio was special when I was working with a client who was in extreme crisis. Gio allowed this client to pick him up and he just snuggled in and worked his magic! The client was able to calm themselves and engage in a therapeutic conversation.

From that moment, Gio and I engaged in multiple levels of training, and he was able to get certifications in 3 levels of Canine Good Citizenship. As the handler, I engaged in courses to teach me the skills to professional handle and engage with a therapy animal. As a licensed social worker, I have completed the coursework to be a certified Animal Assisted Intervention Professional.

The animal-human bond has been proven unique and therapeutic. According to a 2020 article from Medical News Today, the benefits of Animal Therapy and mental health can include:

• decreasing anxiety and stress
• decreasing perceptions of pain
• reducing feelings of fear or worry
• increasing feelings of social support
• provided motivation, stimulation, and focus

AAT is more than dogs! Cats, horses, birds, rabbits, have all been known to engage in the therapeutic process. And it is more than mental health; AAT has proven benefits with physical and occupational therapy among others. I have personally found that having Gio with me (in-person or through telehealth) can help the client relax – his antics and super cute face allow people to feel comfortable and calm. Although the concept of AAT is just starting to gain traction, I believe very soon it will become standard practice!

Written by: Melissa Mendez

Sometimes I wish I could be perfect in all aspects of life. Do you ever wish that? Do you find yourself wanting to be the perfect partner, employee, student, brother/sister, or friend? 

While the definition of perfection may vary between us, we ultimately want to achieve success because it makes us feel accomplished, validated, proud, and unstoppable. In some ways, trying to achieve perfection can increase focus and motivation. But what happens when the outcome is not perfect? How do you feel then? 

Realistically, nothing is going to be perfect, especially humans – we are built to make mistakes and learn from them. If you struggle with perfectionism, keep reading as I share five signs that you are a perfectionist and how to navigate the challenges with that come with it: 

‘Failure is Not an Option’

Fear of failure is common. Making mistakes doesn’t feel good and we might feel crummy about the mistake, but one of the best parts about life is that we can try again. If you take a chance and fail, take a lead from Aliyah and, “dust yourself off and try again.” For perfectionists, the idea of failing is paralyzing. Perfectionism hinders a person’s ability to take risks in their career or relationships, which compromises the growth that comes with failure. 

One thing I encourage patients who experience perfectionism to do is ask themselves, “what’s the worst case scenario?”. This allows you to walk through what you think might be the worst outcome(s) and help to ease any anxiety you might feel about taking a risk. The purpose of this exercise is to help you build confidence in your ability to cope with failure. It opens the door to facing your fears. 

Need for Control

Perfectionists feel the need to be in control of every situation or person they come in contact with to ensure a perfect outcome. This is not realistic, so it will often increase anxiety in folks struggling with perfectionism. A bit of advice in learning how to navigate your need for control is to identify what you do have in your control and focus on it. While it doesn’t completely dissolve the anxiety stemming from a lack of control, it is a baby step towards coping with perfectionism. 

The need for control might negatively impact your interpersonal relationships. If you find yourself struggling in your relationships due to your need for control, I encourage you to communicate with your loved ones about the anxiety and/or depression you experience when you feel a lack of control. This allows you to practice vulnerability and allows others to support you in what you need emotionally (i.e. a hug, verbal reassurance, understanding). 

Good vs Bad 

Perfectionism can ignite all-or-nothing thinking, but life does not operate on an all-or-nothing program – it exists in the gray area.  It might be paralyzing for folks with perfectionism to accept more than two outcomes in their life. One way to challenge all or nothing thinking is by reframing all-or-nothing thoughts. Ask yourself: what is another perspective on the situation? Use the answer to this to remind yourself of the variability of each situation.

Critical of Self & Others

Fear of failure, need for control, and all-or-nothing thinking creates a domino effect. For example, if you fail at something because of a lack of control, it might trigger self-critical thoughts. Alternatively, if you are a perfectionist, you might actually be fueled by self-criticism. 

Witnessing others not striving for perfection can evoke critical reactions from a perfectionist, regardless of intent. While some perfectionists thrive off of being self-critical, it is not the same for others. If you find yourself judging someone else because they are not executing a task in the ‘right way’, practice walking away from the situation or de-centering yourself from the situation. 

Self-worth is Dependent on Accomplishments

Recognizing your achievements in life can lead to increased confidence. If you work hard towards a goal and it pays off, you should celebrate that! There is nothing wrong with a desire to achieve your goals in life, whether it be in career, education, or relationships. However, if your self-worth is dependent on only your successes, you might be battling with perfectionism. 

Perfectionists often experience bouts of sadness and self-loathing if they feel they have not successfully accomplished a goal. An exercise that can help you cope with perfectionism is practicing self-compassion. For example, if you start to feel depressed due to perfectionism, talk to yourself as if a loved one was sitting in front of you, needing support. Oftentimes, it is easier for us to have more compassion for others than we do ourselves, which is why this exercise can be challenging but rewarding. 

While this blog highlights five signs of perfectionism, it does not mean you are a ‘bad’ person if you see these signs in your behavior. Anyone can address the parts of themselves that may be impacting their ability to live a fruitful life. I highly recommend you speak to your therapist or schedule an intake session with one of the many brilliant Refresh therapists who can help you work through the difficult memories and emotions that arise when you think of how perfectionism has negatively impacted your life. 

I will leave you with this, “On this sacred path of Radical Acceptance, rather than striving for perfection, we discover how to love ourselves into wholeness.” – Tara Brach (Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha). 

*Written by a Perfectionist

I saw the Instagram reel your company posted, the one where you so confidently pronounced diaspora as dysphoria. I witnessed the moment when one of your staff members referenced your mistake and you assured her what you said was correct; because, “Hellllooo, you ARE Perfectionist”.  

I witnessed the bile rise in your throat, watched as you experienced panicked breathing and felt embarrassment paralyze you while you rewatched the video and realized your staffer was right. I saw you greet your ‘old buddy’ panic attack as it shook and shimmied toward your body, swaying its full hips to a sexy funk beat that engulfed you.

You say, “Hey, panic attack, I see you are back.” Every misspoken word, every misuse of their and there in a text message floods back. You were reminded of the harrowing 6th grade trip to the Circle Line, the one where you wore pastel green parachute pants and got your period, the embarrassment paralyzing you.  

Perfectionist, it is clear that you have made a mistake; another misstep, another screw up to keep you up at night. There is a new crack in the armor that you have to hastily patch up, smooth with spackle and make pretty on the outside, but you will never forget the crack that exists within. 

You are spiraling, you are making an internal list of your recent f*ck ups. Maybe it’s the poppy seed between your crooked front teeth, the instagram video, and the realization that your Gen Z staffer Regina George’d you; yes, it is a Wednesday and yes, she is wearing pink.

How do you go back when your mistakes are playing on a loop in your head?  Perfectionist, I don’t know how to go back, that science has not been created yet, or at least the man doesn’t want you to know if it has. You, my dear, have to move forward. 

Now listen to me: 

To start, you will pull yourself out of the panic and shame spiral by doing the grounding exercise your therapist at Refresh taught you: 3 things you can see, 3 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear, all while taking deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth. 

Next, when you are ready, you will calmly and confidently contact your media manager and boss, explain your error, get the video pulled, edited, and reposted lickety split. You will then put more money in Jeff Bezos’ pocket by ordering 4 containers of dental floss, one to keep with you at all times, one for your car, one for your desk, and (obviously) one for your bathroom.  

You are now grounded, relaxed, and in control. You are Perfectionist AND a Bad Mama Jama; 

Dear perfectionist, you are a work in progress. But look! You have once again reclaimed your perfectionist status, and feel you are winning at life. So why do you have a gnawing feeling in the back of your mind that you can’t keep this charade up forever…

Stay tuned on our Dear Perfectionist blogs to learn more about ways to overcome your perfectionism and build confidence in the badass that you are (mistakes and all!)

References

Mean Girls. Directed by Melanie Mayron and Mark Waters, performances by Lindsay Lohan, Rachel McAdams, Tina Fey, and Tim Meadows, 2004.

Perfectionism is associated with a range of mental health problems including anxiety, depression, and eating disorders. Perfectionism can manifest in different areas of your life, ranging from a preoccupation with making “perfect” impressions in social situations, to always getting an A+ in class or knocking it out of the park at work. Some may argue that perfectionism can be healthy, but it is important to note that there is a difference between adaptive, goal-driven ambition and a maladaptive need to be perfect. While the former can push you forward in pursuit of your vision, the latter keeps you in the cycle of self-criticism, avoidance, and disappointment. 

So how can you move past this debilitating perfectionist mind-trap?

To start, it’s important to understand the root cause(s) of your perfectionism. Everyone is different, but there are some common themes that play a role in the development of perfectionistic tendencies. These tendencies can start with parents who – consciously or unconsciously – prioritized external achievements such as getting good grades, over internal values such as hard work or authentic expression. By promoting this outcome-oriented mentality, a child learns to associate these external achievements with their sense of self-worth, paving the way for a perfection-complex.  

Whatever your perfectionism origin story, it is well worth doing some digging in order to deepen your understanding of the factors involved. Perfectionists may have endured harsh criticism from friends, family members, or authority figures, sending the message that “you must always do better in order to be good enough”. Perfectionists are often gifted individuals whose lofty potential casts an ever-present veil of expectation over their actions; which can prompt heightened pressure and scrutiny from those around them.

To move beyond this maladaptive pattern, it is useful to think about how your perfectionism impacts your life. Does it affect your productivity? How does it affect your social life? Your self-esteem? What is the cost of being a perfectionist? Write down a list of answers to these questions to visualize the daily impact of your perfectionism. You may start to consider whether it is truly worth your time to spend 45 minutes crafting an eloquent email to your co-worker, or always ensuring that your makeup is applied with exquisite precision. What is the downside of achieving that perfection?  

As a perfectionist, you are likely your own worst critic, but you almost certainly fear the criticism of others – particularly those whose opinions you hold in high esteem. The greater the fear of criticism, the greater the need to be perfect. Part of breaking down the walls of perfectionism involves building a tolerance for healthy, constructive criticism. This does not mean that you need to throw yourself headfirst into the line of fire, but when the stakes are low, you might consider rethinking your standards by just a notch or two. You may find that the criticism you were bracing for never comes – but if it does, you can handle it.  Most people dislike criticism, but the greater your ability to withstand it, the more effectively you can pursue what matters to you.  

The most challenging part of overcoming perfectionism is coming to terms with the fact that humans are flawed, including you. Being perfect leads to a slew of practical and psychological issues, but it affords the vague and brief assurance that if you did everything right, you can keep yourself – and everyone else – happy. In order to truly move forward, you have to grieve the loss of this fantasy and come to terms with your authentic, flawed, self. No matter your particular brand of perfectionism is, ask yourself who you would be without it, and if that version of you could be happier and enjoy life to its fullest. By coming to terms with your flaws and differences, you let self-love into your life.

This can be a scary process, but on the other side of it is a version of yourself that doesn’t live in chronic fear of disappointment, criticism, or rejection. It is a version of you that doesn’t lose sleep over your mistakes, and prioritizes experiences based on your wants and needs instead of your fears and insecurities. It may be useful to repeat daily affirmations of your worth, with or without perfection.

If you are unsure of where to start, or feel that you could benefit from some guidance, consider reaching out to a therapist.

They can work with you to recognize your personal progress and promote healthy changes to your mindset. At Refresh Psychotherapy, we understand perfectionism and want to help you move past it. Contact us at https://refreshtherapynyc.com/contact for a consultation.

Written By Eli Wilson-Berkowitz

Perfectionists derive their value from positive recognition from others. It is no wonder that we exclaim, “perfect!”, for the things we see as positive. When we hear that something is perfect, we often feel relieved and accept it as a well-intentioned compliment. However, perfectionism has another side to it that can serve as an indicator of mental health needs. Behind perfectionist behaviors, feelings such as insecurity, inadequacy, low self-esteem, anger, dissatisfaction with reality, self-contempt, and anxiety can be found. Perfectionism can create a false sense of wellness and short-term soothing for perfectionists.

An example of a perfectionist is someone who feels they are inadequate because they make less money than their partner. They might hyperfocus on organization of the household because of this. Though the person may gain a temporary sense of ease from the sights of their perfect-looking home and may be distracted from the original issue, the emotional need continues to remain unmet.

Perfectionism is a coping skill that rarely meets its intended goal of feeling adequate with a healthy sense of self. Instead, it can perpetuate an unstable self-perception that is based on the recognition of others. Your relationships and your experiences suffer because you struggle to develop an acceptance of who you are, just as you are. Perfectionism doesn’t push you to be better, it ignores your unique power and potential for growth.

You may have recognized how exhausting perfectionism can be as a lifestyle and you may want to be fulfilled in different ways. Psychotherapy is a tool to help you discover information hidden in your emotions that can lead to greater meaning in your life, enhanced confidence, and self-acceptance. It may be hard for you to access your emotions, let alone name what they are. After all, you may have been taught that emotions are irrelevant or even been put down for expressing them. But wasn’t it your painful feelings that perfectionism tried to cover up? 

At Refresh, our therapists can help you understand yourself on a deeper level and reach a healthier sense of self; a person who is more accepting of their imperfections. Just remember, a healthier, more balanced emotional life is at the root of much of what we do. Let’s build a firm foundation.

By Jacqueline McIntosh, LCSW CASAC

We have all been there; staring at the clock moving minute-by-minute, waiting for the end of the work day. Staying motivated throughout the day is challenging and (unfortunately) common. Expecting yourself to be motivated 24/7 is unrealistic, but if you find yourself struggling more than usual, here are some tips that can help. 

1. Listen to a Podcast

Listening to an uplifting podcast can increase internal motivation, which can help you regain focus and concentration. For me, listening to Oprah’s SuperSoul Conversations podcast is a great way to feel rejuvenated during the workday. I recommend choosing a podcast that will spark a smile or a laugh. If you find yourself losing momentum at work, throw on your headphones and try out a podcast. 

2. Ask an Important Question

Who or what brings you joy? I recommend looking at a picture of your favorite person or animal to remind you of the things you love. If a picture doesn’t work, try thinking about the yummy dinner you’ll be preparing or the social plans you have after work. Remind yourself of what brings you joy; this can spark motivation to move towards that very thing. 

3. Take your Break

Please, please take your lunch break. This recommendation may sound simple, but is an important reminder that we all need to hear. Sometimes stepping away from a work task might actually help you create fresh ideas when you return. I encourage everyone to take their break to refuel their body by eating, drinking water, or going for a walk. When you schedule your future break you’re more likely to actually take it. I’ll be sure to block off mine too! 

4. Call a Loved One

It’s normal for motivation to come and go throughout the day. Picking up the phone or texting a loved one and asking for support can be a game changer! I encourage you to call someone who can provide reassurance or validation while you move through your day. Receiving external validation can help normalize your experience. So call your support system, and you may get the added benefit of being hyped up by your favorite person! 

Lastly, I cannot stress enough how normal it is to feel a lack of motivation at work. There will be some days where you just can’t regain motivation, and that is okay! Above all else, have compassion towards yourself during those difficult times at work. Focus on what brings you joy: phoning a loved one, practicing breathing, repeating affirmations, or listening to a podcast. You got this!

Written by Olivia Alvizo, LMSW

When it comes to our emotional and mental well-being, there is one powerful thing that is often overlooked: community. In a world where we’re taught to be independent and self-sufficient, it’s easy to forget the impact of community.

One way to foster community in a safe setting is Group Therapy. These groups consist of individuals who come together to work through a common challenge. While individual therapy is a powerful tool for personal growth, group therapy offers a unique experience that can help create open spaces and improve support systems.

Group therapy provides a space for people to give and receive support. When we share our challenges with others, we open ourselves up to the possibility of receiving the help and support we need. On the flip side, when we offer support to others, we are reminded of our own strengths and abilities to make a positive impact on the world. This can help us to build our self-esteem and make us feel more connected to the world around us.

The importance of community cannot be overstated. Rarely are we given the opportunity to be in a space that is dedicated to emotional connection. Group therapy is a way to tap into the power of community and experience the impact it can have on our lives. Creating relationships through group therapy offers the opportunity for connections with people working towards a similar goal. 

If building a support network appeals to you, consider reaching out to a therapist and exploring the option of group therapy. You never know, it might just be the community you need to help you on your healing journey.

Written by Declan Taintor, Anna Kushner, Katherine Heidelberger, and Julia Newberry Means

Visit https://refreshtherapynyc.com/therapy-groups/ for more information on the groups we are offering at this time.

One of my favorite quotes about the human experience is ‘we are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act but a habit’.  It reminds me that achieving more is less about a single instance of herculean greatness, and more about creating consistent habits that allow us to achieve goals. One of the most common challenges to building good habits is time management. Here are four approaches to increasing consistency and improving time management. Some people say that preparation is half the battle, but I would argue that it is the battle. Incorporating these first two habits in order should help you win this hypothetical war. 

1. Schedule the Time and Place

The first step to developing strong time management skills is scheduling the time and the place where you will do an activity. Clarifying this foundational information for yourself can exponentially increase the odds that you will engage in your goal behavior.

2. Prepare Your Environment

When you are in environments set to facilitate a task, it is much easier to engage with the task itself. Think of going to the gym and why it’s much easier to exercise there than it may be just sitting in your basement. If you’re working out from home, putting together the dumb bells, the outfit you’ll wear, setting up the TV, and the exercise machine the night before will help you wake up in the morning and be many steps closer to actually doing the exercises.

3. Try the Eisenhower Matrix.

It can help us decide where to start, what to schedule for later, what to delegate, and what to delete. Below is a quick overview of this method:

Try focusing on what has a deadline or severe repercussions for not being completed on time. Follow that by things that are important but not urgent. Schedule them for a definitive time and place at a later time. Next, Focus on the tasks that are urgent but not important, that is to say they need to be done but not necessarily done by you. Letting go of the little things and asking for help can greatly improve our ability to focus on what’s important. Lastly, our deleted items. These are things that aren’t important or urgent. I urge you to simply let them go. Recognizing that something can be deleted from our calendar is just as, if not more, important as recognizing that there is something that needs top priority.

4. Start with the Hardest Task

Once you’ve organized yourself, you can maximize efficiency by starting with the hardest task you have. This method of task management is called ‘eating the frog’. The idea is that if you have to eat a frog at some point during your day, it’s best to do it first and then have more ’frog free’ hours. If you wait until later in the day you may end up worrying about small details related to the frog, or doing other tasks that aren’t as important. You will continue to be stuck with a large task that requires a lot of energy at the end of your day. 

Always remember that time is a resource. Mastering our time management to maximize our efficiency is one step towards thriving in your personal and work life.

Written by Karl Smith, LMSW

I had my first panic attack at age 5. Heart pounding, I couldn’t hear anything but the blood rushing to my head. I felt dizzy, my vision blurred and I couldn’t breathe. I owe all of this to Eddie Murphy. I stayed up way past my bedtime to watch Eddie play Buckwheat on Saturday Night Live. My father found me and calmed me. He helped me through the first of many panic attacks and eventually got me to bed. 

I spent the first half of my life afraid of death, spiraling late at night when it was dark. I was alone in my room thinking of being in a casket, fearing the unknown, and eventually screaming for my Dad to help me; which he always did. We would breathe, he would rub my back, tell me not to worry, and sit with me until my attacks subsided and I was able to sleep. My father loved me with all of his heart but he didn’t have the tools to get me the mental health help I needed.

My father didn’t know how to find a child therapist for his daughter. As kind and gentle as he was, he also didn’t know how to access his emotions, and he shut down when bad things happened. He would compartmentalize his feelings and focus on what needed to be fixed, not the thoughts and feelings behind them.  

My wonderful father is not a unicorn when it comes to Mental Health in the black community; my dad was a tough NYC pigeon; always there, willing to get through challenges using his instincts, but not able to ask the snow birds for help to get to the warmer places where the fruit was in abundance, and sun shined bright. 

Many black children born in the 60’s, 70’s, and 80’s were told the same tropes “don’t talk about it outside of the family”, “Pastor will help, bring it to God”, “Don’t leave the kids alone with Uncle Leroy”, “You know cousin April’s not right in the head”. We were told these things because even for the wealthiest of us, mental health and therapy were luxuries for white people. The idea was that we didn’t have time to stop and feel because we had to deal with everyday microaggressions. Our options for judgment-free faces that looked like ours (outside of the religious arenas) were few and far between. ‘Social worker’ became a pseudonym for one who takes your kids. The idea of sharing our thoughts and feelings for 60 minutes was foreign, so we expressed our need for therapy in the ways our ancestors did; in song, in literature, in protest. However, we came to learn that therapy is not a “white” thing. We started to put the pieces of the puzzles together, and found that if we continued to hold all of our thoughts and feelings inside, we would be calming our kids from 2 am panic attacks for the rest of our days.  

We began to seek therapy, and soon were able to recognize the need to understand our thoughts and feelings better, process our generational grief, and recognize that we want to do the same for others in our community. 

Our move toward mental health in the black community is ongoing, we are bravely sharing our stories in private with our therapists, some of whom look and sound like us. We are doing the work to feel and be better. Our language around who we are and how we see ourselves and our kids is changing.  We celebrate “Black Boy Joy”  and  “Black Girl Magic”. We are shouting “Me Too” to sexual injustice and processing it.

The world may be pushing back on our growth with more injustice and, yes, it hurts us, but we are also better equipped to handle these challenges because of the work we choose to do on our mental health. Black women and men are choosing to say “Enough! I can’t be strong all of the time. I need you to see and accept my vulnerability.” As Rihanna said to our white allies “Come Thru” so we are not fighting this alone.

We are choosing to prioritize our health in every way, so if our kids or our grandkids are anxious, depressed, demonstrating symptoms of OCD, have Bipolar Disorder or BPD, we will recognize it and be able to walk in their room at night to comfort them and take them to their weekly therapy sessions where they will learn tools to be the best version of themselves.

Written by: Patricia Valencia MS, LMHC

Our learned measures of progress stem from our earliest years. In school, we are taught to strive for the best grades. We measure these grades down to percentage points, and progress in class is directly related to your percentage point. We are told that an ‘A’ is the best grade; the closest to perfection. A perfectionist’s mindset exists within the frame. You always want to get 100%, and will do all of the studying and extra credit to get there. Maybe that process worked in school, where we are measured by points, but real life does not provide you with your percentage. We have to learn how to appreciate our work, instead of perfecting it.

Try writing down your list of accomplishments each week.

These should be small, ranging from ‘got out of bed’ to ‘made dinner twice this week’. The purpose of this list is to appreciate the little things that we do each day. All of these small accomplishments are just as important as the big ones, because they keep you going each day and allow you to accomplish your larger goals.

You are not the sum of your productivity. Being productive feels great, but it does not define who you are. Remind yourself of who you are without all of the accolades and accomplishments. Understanding who you are without your tangible accomplishments will give you clarity about your value. 

Reframe your negative thoughts.

It can be uncomfortable for a perfectionist to feel like they have failed. Instead of making a mistake and internalizing it as a flaw in yourself, try putting the situation into perspective. Maybe you had a bad day at work and felt like you didn’t get anything done. That’s ok! Remind yourself that this is just one day of many. Your growth stems from being resilient after failure, not being perfect all of the time.

Part of appreciating your progress is taking pride in the work that you do; not just the end product. Each small task brings you closer to completing a big one. Take time to think about where you started and how far you’ve come.

Written by Jessy Pucker, LMSW
Photo credit: Pexels

Do you find yourself creating negative thought loops in your mind when you are at work? Do you feel like your work stresses bleed into your personal time? If so, you’ve come to the right place. Below is a list of five signs that you are being too hard on yourself at work. 

1. You find yourself second-guessing all of your decisions
2. You say ‘I can’t do this’ or ‘I’ll never be able to understand this’
3. Your manager tells you that you are being too hard on yourself
4. You have trouble creating boundaries between work and your personal life
5. Your self-confidence lowers (both in and out of work)

It can take a while to change your self-perception at work from negative to positive. Start by identifying the negative thoughts you have about yourself related to work. Is there a common theme? Once you start to notice a theme or specific thoughts that come up, try to identify triggers. Are you doing a specific type of work when you feel this way? Are there certain circumstances in the workplace that feel uncomfortable? By understanding your triggers, you are collecting evidence about your thought process. Once you understand the origins of your thoughts and their triggers, you can change them! 

Remind yourself that just because you don’t understand something now doesn’t mean you will never understand it. You can learn about the task or ask co-workers how they do it. Try not to speak in absolutes; using the words ‘never’ or ‘always’ limits your capabilities and potential. Lastly, think about the life you have outside of work. Your performance at work doesn’t have to be an indicator of your performance in life. 

Practice these tools. Give yourself time to grow. If you do so, you will likely find that your performance and experience at work will improve.

Photo credit: Pexels

Written by Jessy Pucker, LMSW

Do you wake up feeling groggy and unprepared to start your day? This is a common experience, especially in the winter months when there is less sunlight. A morning routine is a good way to rev your engine and start your day on a positive note. 

Make sure you set realistic goals for improving your mornings. For example, if you want to wake up earlier, try doing so incrementally; wake up 10 minutes earlier for a week, then push it up to 20 minutes the next week, and so on. Below are three suggestions for healthy morning habits, but your routine is personal to you. Choose activities that feel energizing for you!

1. Create a wake up playlist

Make a playlist to match the way you want to wake up; this can be gentle, fast-paced, happy, or anything in between. These songs will mark the start of your day and set the mood for your wake up. 

2. Get your body moving 

A morning workout is great, but can feel ambitious for some people. Moving your body can mean anything from intense cardio to easy stretching. The nature of the movement doesn’t matter as much as the fact that you start your day doing something positive for yourself. 

3. Repeat a morning affirmation

Crease a phrase that you wake up and say every morning. This can be anything that will open you up to the day and motivate you to get started. Some examples include, ‘I am excited about this day!’, or ‘Today I will be kind to myself’. 

No matter what you choose for your routine, the most important part is getting your feet on the ground and keeping that momentum throughout the day. Some mornings will be harder than others, but try to keep building your habits to the point where they feel automatic.

Written by Jessy Pucker, LMSW

Perfect is a word that gets thrown around a lot. Especially for high achieving professionals, perfect is the ultimate and constant goal: the perfect client pitch, the perfectly planned event, the perfect employee or boss. For some people, their perfectionism is seen as a superpower. It acts as an internal motivation that they use to succeed personally and professionally. Perfect, however, can also be a thought trap that keeps us from connecting with others, living lives with rational expectations, and can be the source of anxiety and depression. Sometimes, it can even be a barrier that prevents us from trying something in the first place.

Perfect isn’t so perfect after all. As we move into 2023, with Covid-19 still on our heels and a potential recession on the horizon, the world is only becoming less straightforward and the definition of perfect less tangible. Striving for perfect only causes more anxiety, more depression, and more frustration. So how can we move forward? By changing our thinking about “perfect” and finding ways to let go of an impossible standard that many times is only being applied to us by ourselves. In order to break these thought patterns and combat perfectionism, one option is to implement a cognitive model known as “good enough.”

Originally coined by psychoanalyst Dr. Donald Winnicott while working with mothers in the UK on their parenting, “good enough” is a framework to approach everyday tasks. Winnicott observed that while some mothers strove to be the perfect parent, it was the “good enough” mothers, the ones who made small manageable mistakes, who raised better adjusted children. Children of “good enough” mothers were forced to accept disappointment, self soothe, and move on. This led to stronger mental resilience as adults. 

So how does this concept applied to British mothers apply to our lives? My favorite corny joke highlights this perfectly:

“Q: What do you call the medical student who graduated at the bottom of their class?

A: Doctor.” 

While perfectionists focus on this person’s class ranking, “good enough” allows us to recognize that they’ve accomplished the real goal, graduating. Fully embracing “good enough” frees us from trying to be perfect beings in an imperfect world. 

So the next time you are stuck on a task at work or home, ask yourself whether the task needs to be perfectly done, or just done. Does that email need to be rewritten five times, or does it just need to be sent?  Does your child’s bed need hospital corners, or does it just need to be made?

Photo Credit: Pexels

Written by Karl Smith, LMSW

As a therapist, I use the word ‘boundaries’ a lot. We set them, we hold them, we break them; this is the reality of having interpersonal relationships. Learning how to say ‘no’ is hard. Depending on your identity, you may have been taught to be service-oriented and agreeable. This means that saying ‘no’ is breaking the social code by which you live. Knowing your boundaries and being comfortable saying ‘no’ go hand-in-hand. 

Enforcing your boundaries is a good way to avoid resentment. If we are always saying ‘yes’ to things that can stretch us thin, resentment builds towards the people who are asking us. In the short term it might feel easier to just agree and sacrifice your time for others, but as this continues frustration boils below the surface. This is an uncomfortable feeling that is easily avoided by making a choice that is healthy for you (which sometimes means saying ‘no’). 

If the idea of saying ‘no’ feels overwhelming to you, there are ways of saying it in a gentler tone. If you can’t do something because you are already overwhelmed and don’t want to add more to your plate, it is ok to say that! You are in charge of your own schedule. Being truthful about the reasoning behind your choice takes the weight off of having to make up an excuse. 

Start small. If you are a people-pleaser, putting your needs above others’ can feel insurmountable. The more you practice, the easier it gets. Start by declining a casual social invite that you aren’t interested in. As you do this and realize the benefits of choosing yourself, saying ‘no’ will become easier. 

Saying ‘no’ points to your autonomy. You, as a person in this world, have a right to create a boundary and hold it. It should be mentioned that saying ‘no’ will not always go well, especially when you are expected to do as you are told. This can be intimidating, but enforcing your boundaries can be empowering. The consequences of confrontation have to be weighed against your recognition of your own power. Saying ‘no’ is an indicator to yourself and others that you are the driver of your life, and the maker of your decisions.

Written by Jessy Pucker, LMSW

The Holidays can be a time of high-highs and low-lows. Our collective anxiety increases with the expectations that come with this time of year. Family gatherings, holiday parties, and the uncertainty of the next year can create a mix of excitement and anxiety. Uncertainty and expectation are a breeding ground for increased anxiety.

The management of these feelings is the key to improving your Holiday experience. It is important for you to remember that these feelings are normal! Everyone experiences anxiety from time to time. Instead of being frustrated about these feelings, try to develop mechanisms to move through them. Below are a few tools to get your through Holiday Anxiety:

Take a moment to yourself

Being surrounded by people can be exhausting. If you are spending the Holidays with family, friends, or others, give yourself small breaks from socializing. When you start to feel irritability arise, leave the room and spend a few minutes alone. This will help you keep your social battery charged. 

Identify your outlets

If you start to feel anxious around this time of year, try to identify an outlet for these emotions. This can be anything ranging from venting to a close friend or taking long walks with music; whatever helps you feel calmer. Think of these outlets as a way to release some of the pressure from the expectations of this time of year. 

Be kind to yourself

Anxiety has a way of feeding on itself. When it starts to feel overwhelming, remind yourself that you are strong; you have gotten through this emotion before and you will do it again. Rather than blame yourself for feeling this way, be a comfort to yourself. If you start to feel lost in an anxiety spiral, stay grounded by speaking in a gentle, soft voice to yourself. 

Emotions run high during the Holidays, so make sure you are caring for yourself in the process!

Written by Jessy Pucker, LMSW

A positive relationship between a client and therapist is based on trust and open communication. When you feel comfortable and connected to your therapist, the therapy itself improves. You will likely allow yourself to be more vulnerable because you know the person on the other end is trustworthy and cares for you. Every therapeutic relationship is different. One friend might have a ‘tough love’ relationship with their therapist, while another has a light-hearted or humorous one. Neither of these is right or wrong; a good relationship with a therapist is dependent on you and your needs. 

Therapy does not always feel good. Some sessions can be challenging and painful. Working with a therapist who you trust and do not feel judged by is essential in these moments. If you trust your therapist is helping to guide you to something positive, these painful sessions can feel like part of a larger (and important!) process. 

Try to find someone whose focus aligns with your goals.

For example, if a therapist has a lot of experience working with Depression, they might be helpful for someone who is dealing with low-mood. This is not to say that your therapist has to specialize in your issue, but that can be a helpful starting point in the search. 

Ask for a consultation or screening call.

Some therapists offer phone consultations to help both the client and therapist decide if they are a good match. Try to identify goals and expectations before your first meeting so that you decide if the therapist will be helpful with those. 

Listen to your gut.

If after a few sessions you start to feel like you aren’t connecting with your therapist, it is ok to tell them. This is a conversation that can either lead to an improved relationship or a referral to another therapist who might better suit your needs. Don’t be afraid to tell your therapist about these hesitations; the more open you can be, the more effective the work will be.

Making the decision to go to therapy is brave. Finding the right therapist can be hard, but it is worth the effort. Remember that this is a process that takes time, but it is time well spent in the service of taking care of yourself.

Written by Jessy Pucker, LMSW

We are taught that setting goals helps us progress in life, but are rarely told how to set them. Goals are nuanced, and our circumstances impact the types of goals that we can create. Two people may have the same goal of ‘being a CEO’, but depending on their identity, and taking intersectionality into account, one person may be far more likely to achieve the goal. This doesn’t mean that the person less likely shouldn’t try, but it does mean that their path to progress will look different. If you feel like your path to progress is covered in obstacles, it’s time to start thinking about how to set your goals for success.

First, think about your long-term goal. Write it out, envision it, try to think about what your life would be like if you achieved it. Think of the ways your life would be different if you completed this goal. 

Next, ask yourself why you want to reach this goal. On the same piece of paper, under the goal, write out your motivators for doing it. Is it to create a better life for your family? To be more confident in yourself? There are endless reasons for us to want to achieve, but our intrinsic motivation is essential to starting. These motivators will help you keep moving towards these goals, even when you feel worn out. 

After you understand your motivators, think about the path to achievement. Set a realistic timeline for yourself. Will it take two weeks? Two years? Give yourself a range of time. When we set unrealistic expectations for ourselves and do not reach them, it can negatively impact our self-esteem and resilience. 

Once the timeline is made, write out all of the little achievements and steps it will take to get there. Make these small steps as simple as possible. Soon after, you will begin achieving them, and this achievement will motivate you to continue towards your larger goal. 

Writing all of this down in one place is a good way to organize yourself. When you feel unmotivated or exhausted, revisit the reasons you are doing this work, and start going after your shorter-term goals. There is power in momentum, and the more you feel like you’ve achieved, the more you will want to continue achieving.

Photo Credit: Canva

Written by Jessy Pucker, LMSW

Anxiety is a common and natural feeling. It can arise when we are uncomfortable, unprepared, or worried. Anxiety manifests in the body through a series of symptoms including elevated heart rate, strained breathing, trouble concentrating, and more. Take a moment to reflect on your physical symptoms when you feel stressed. Some people develop subconscious self-soothing methods like pulling your hair, biting your nails, and bouncing your legs. Listen to your body; if you notice yourself doing some of these actions, it can be a sign that you are feeling anxious. 

There are countless ways to manage anxiety; some healthy, some harmful. If you have found a way that works for you, use it! We each have a toolkit to manage our feelings. Take a moment to think about which tools you have, and which you may need to add. If you need some help finding one, below is a list of healthy ways to move through feelings of anxiety:

1. Progressive Muscle Relaxation

If you have 10 minutes to yourself and access to a comfortable spot, then you have all that you need to try this exercise. It is a combination of breathing and muscle relaxation. Click here to find out more. 

2. Move Your Body

Movement helps us release some of the stress that builds in our bodies when we feel anxious. This does not require a full workout. Try running in place for 30 seconds or dancing in your room. When you move in this way, it releases endorphins that promote feelings of wellbeing. 

3. Put Your Phone Away

Try to stay in the moment. Distracting yourself from the anxiety does not allow room for you to move through it and process the event that triggered the feeling. It can be challenging to let yourself feel uncomfortable, but it is empowering to be able to self-soothe without distraction.

Though we all experience anxiety, it is important to note that some people experience it more acutely and sometimes without a trigger; this could be Generalized Anxiety disorder. If you feel that your anxiety impacts your day-to-day life, go to refreshtherapynyc.com to book an appointment with one of our clinicians today.

When we read self-help books, inspirational social media posts, or read about self-care activities, one phrase is always present: ‘work-life balance’. We are told how important it is for our mental health. We are told that without it we will develop anxiety or fall behind on taking care of ourselves. Sometimes it feels like a heavy burden to have to find the perfect ‘work-life balance’. There is pressure to do it all, and do it well.

‘Work-life balance’ does not mean the same thing for any two people. We can’t even hold ourselves to the same exact balance everyday because different parts of our lives need more attention at different times. 

One way to keep up with your ‘balance’ is to create boundaries at work. No matter where you work or how you work, boundaries can help improve your experience in and out of the workplace. These boundaries can come in various forms; conversations with your manager, physical space, separation rituals, and many more. Below is a list of how-to’s for boundary-setting at work:

1. Identify what you need from yourself to have a manageable workload.
2. Identify what you need from your boss to have a manageable workload.
3. Ask yourself: what is the role of work in your life? In your identity?
4. Find a song or video to play when you are done with work. Play this song at the end of every work day. This will create a connection between the song and work ending.
5. Create open lines of communication with your colleagues. This will help you express your needs if you are feeling overwhelmed. 

Boundaries take work because they require reinforcement. Build the habit, continue to stick by your boundaries, and you will see an improvement in your ‘work-life balance’.

Photo Credit: Canva

Written by Jessy Pucker, LMSW

Today’s America looks very different from America pre-pandemic. It’s important to acknowledge the difficulties in balancing and living as there are times where the two struggle to co-exist. 

While battling inflation, possible layoffs, health scares, and the upcoming holiday season, the looming stress can feel like a burden. So here are some tips to preserve your peace amidst the stress of today’s America.

Take a mental health day:

There are times when our work schedules become overwhelming and we need a day to recuperate. You can choose how to spend your day; whether it’s sleeping, completing your favorite hobby, taking a walk in the park, watching your favorite show, or doing absolutely nothing because you deserve it.

Organize:

When things feel off-balance, it can feel good to clean your space. Our space can reflect the chaos in our minds. This can be physical space such as an apartment or office, or mental space. To support clearing your mental space, try meditating using an app called HeadSpace or Youtube meditations. You can also use yoga, mindfulness, or free writing.

Say NO:

Yes, you read right. Sometimes it feels easier to say yes than to muster the courage of ‘no’. When you recognize the value of your time, it becomes easier to make that decision. If you are feeling tired and at your wits end, boundaries may be the key to moving forward. 

If this is something that feels hard, make a list as to why.  

Is it hard because you don’t want to disappoint others? Yourself? 

What about the time it takes from your already full day? 

If you didn’t complete the task, what would happen? To you? To them?

Oftentimes, we create barriers as to why we CAN’T say no and not for why we CAN say no.If this resonates with you, check out Refresh’s newest therapy group about boundaries at: https://refreshtherapynyc.com/therapy-group/normalizing-ownership-reimagining-your-time-space-and-your-boundaries/

Photo Credit: Canva
Written by Iyesha Gatling, LMFT

As we move through the world, we develop coping mechanisms for everyday situations. We create narrative and behaviors to deal with our circumstances. Some coping mechanisms are positive and healthy. The coping mechanisms that we should work on are the negative ones that lead to harming ourselves or others. 

What are your positive coping mechanisms? What are your harmful ones? 

Habits are formed through repetition in response to our experiences. Our coping mechanisms inform the habits we develop. If we respond to rejection by trying to hurt others, that response is reinforced through repetition and can become a habit if the loop is not interrupted. Though this is a negative example, there are ways to shift these responses into positive habits. 

Below is a list of potentially harmful habits, but rest assured that these are not forever, they can be changed if you do the work to change them. Attached to these habits are tips to reframe or change them into healthier habits. 

1. Negative self-talk

The way we speak to ourselves is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves. If your inner monologue is critical, hurtful, or angry, work on reframing these thoughts. As a first step, try recognizing the negative thoughts and asking yourself, ‘how does this serve me?’

2. Overbooking yourself

The world is filled with opportunities; whether they be social, work, or with family, it can be easy to overextend yourself. Make a schedule at the start of each week, allowing time for relaxation. This schedule can keep you in a healthy routine that does not allow you to overbook. 

3. Blaming yourself for the past 

It is hard to let go of the past. If you find yourself feeling guilty or stuck about past situations, look into Radical Acceptance as a way to move forward. 

4. Judging your emotions

Let yourself feel the way you feel! You can’t change your personal reactions, but you can control how you react towards others.

5. Ignoring your achievements 

At the end of each day, make a list of 3 things you are proud of each day. Soon, you will come to appreciate the small achievements, as well as the big ones.

This work does not happen overnight. Keep working at these small changes until they become habits.

Photo Credit: Canva

Written by Jessy Pucker, LMSW

All-or-nothing thinking places our behaviors and thoughts into two categories: good or bad. It only assigns value in these two extremes; there is no gray area. An example of this type of thinking is saying, “I failed that test so I will never be successful”. One bad moment turned into something larger with consequences for the rest of your life. In reality, you failed one test and with some more studying or extra credit, the class will be passed. However, it can be hard to see the uncertainties or ‘gray areas’ in times of stress. Sometimes our minds prefer a set outcome, even if it is a negative one. It is important to try to stop all-or-nothing thinking because it is  limiting. It gives only two outcomes, when in reality, many more exist. 

This type of thinking is called a Cognitive Distortion and is addressed directly in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). To challenge these thoughts, you first have to recognize that they exist. Look for words like ‘always’, ‘can’t’, or ‘never’ in your thoughts. These words can be a sign that all-or-nothing thinking is happening. Are there specific situations where these thoughts occur more? Try to look for triggers of all-or-nothing thinking.

After you have identified patterns of all-or-nothing thinking, try breaking the binary by adding the word ‘and’or ‘but’ to your thoughts. Rarely are situations completely black-and-white, so explore the other possibilities. To continue with the previous example, you could say ‘I failed this test but this does not define who I am as a student’. You are not the result of one action, so try not to speak as if you are.

Another way to combat all-or-nothing thinking is to use real-life evidence. Has this ever happened before? What was the outcome? Challenge yourself to think of three other outcomes of this situation. This can open up the thought from having only two possibilities to recognizing that there are more.

Most importantly, remember to be kind to yourself. All-or-nothing thinking can lead to negative self-talk. We all make mistakes, we all have an off day. One moment is not indicative of who you are. Give yourself the chance to move forward by recognizing all of the possibilities that come with each situation.

Photo Credit: Canva

Written by Jessy Pucker, LMSW

It is easy to feel lonely in our fast-paced, technology-centered world. These feelings of loneliness can bring about anxiety, social isolation, and depression. Building your community is the antidote to loneliness. Connecting with the people around you is healthy and necessary for a balanced life. When you build relationships that allow you to share and connect, the seeds of your network are planted. Your network includes people you feel connected to, as well as people you interact with often. Building your network requires effort, but the payoff is well worth it. As your network grows, so do your options; you will have more people to turn to if you need support, social interaction, and much more. Our communities are found through our personal networks. 

Community is a broad term to describe those who surround you. Some communities are based on similar interests, while others are created by shared experiences. In either case, your community is meant to be a safe place for you to share. Identifying the communities you are a part of is the first step to pushing off loneliness. Do you feel connected to your coworkers? Are you part of any clubs? What connects you with your friends? The answers to these questions can help you to recognize how your larger network breaks down into smaller communities. Connection to others requires vulnerability on our part. Small-talk is great at the start of relationships, but depth comes from the willingness of each party to share. Not all sharing has to be emotional or physical; some connections come from the sharing of resources and knowledge.

Refresh Psychotherapy offers multiple therapeutic groups throughout the year. Joining a therapeutic group can be a good way to begin connecting with others who share similar experiences to you. Some groups are tools-based, while others are focused on healing. These groups can be yet another community for you to join and connect with. Visit https://refreshtherapynyc.com/therapy-groups/ for more information about our group offerings.

Photo Credit: Canva

Written by Jessy Pucker, LMSW

The phrase ‘work-life balance’ is used over and over again in mental health blogs, motivational social media posts, and conversations with coworkers. It is an elusive concept, to be able to strike a balance between your personal and professional lives. Now more than ever the line between those two areas of our lives are blurred. Maybe you work from home and leaving work means moving from a couch to a bed. Maybe self-promotion is part of your job and you have to post on your social media to find work. In either case, parts of life that used to be categorized as ‘personal’ (home and social media) are now involved with work.

It is important to note that this ‘balance’ looks different for everyone. Deriving purpose and joy from work is great; but so is finding passion outside of your job. Not everyone needs to have a 50/50 split between work and home. Try not to judge yourself if you need one more than the other. Neither option is good or bad, just different. Also, the balance can change for you over time.

You deserve to structure your life the way you want. The goal of finding this balance is about taking care of your needs, not breaking your life down into a formula. Think about your priorities. Do they lend themselves to a life that feels balanced for you? If the answer to this question is ‘no’, consider why that is. Is it a result of the expectations of others impacting how you lead your life? It is harder to think about your own needs and their origins than it is to blindly do what you are told. Challenge yourself to find your own work-life balance, not the one that is expected of you.

Be kind to yourself while you are searching for what works best for you.

Photo Credit: Canva

Written by Jessy Pucker, LMSW

Before jumping into a quick answer, let’s discuss feelings in general:

It is important to remember that emotions and feelings are not bad. They often derive from met (or unmet) expectations based on set values or boundaries. These can be both expectations for yourself or for others.

Expressing feelings can:

• Increase confidence
• Provide insight into your own emotions
• Decrease anxiety that could stem from the issue
• Provide insight into your likes and dislikes
• Increase connection with others

For example, if you feel angry because your partner did not show up for dinner, try asking yourself: what about them not showing up made me angry? Where does this anger come from?

One common thought is: ‘but they SHOULD know”. We have to remember that our partners are not mind readers. Oftentimes people don’t know because you haven’t told them. What would it be like to tell someone how they made you feel instead of hiding?

Here is a tip:
Instead of shutting down, say something like: when you didn’t show up for dinner, I felt _____ because ____.

Before expressing feelings to your partner, check-in with yourself. Try naming your feelings to yourself before expressing them to your partner. When we know our emotions, we can communicate them in a more effective way. Mutual understanding and positive communication deepens relationships.

Photo Credit: Canva

Written by Iyesha Gatling, LMFT

Perfectionism is a greatly misunderstood phenomenon. Perfectionists are perceived as people who need things to be done to the highest standards. In some ways, this can seem like a good thing; people who focus on achieving often do so, no matter what the cost. Perfectionists often feel pressure to perform at the highest levels. This can result in fear of failure, overcompensation, and low self-esteem. Basing your worth as a person on your performance creates immense pressure to do everything ‘right’. There is little room for growth when your baseline is perfection. Our mistakes and missteps are just as much part of our growth as our achievements.

If you are someone who struggles with the pressure to be perfect, ask yourself: what does ‘perfect’ look like to you?

Each person will have a different answer to this question. That is because ‘perfect’ is a moving target. The closer to it we get, the more it changes and the less attainable it becomes; so we keep reaching. Take a second to think about who sets the norms for perfection. Does it come from you? Does it come from your culture or your family? Does it come from societal expectations? These standards for perfection do not exist in a vacuum, they are influenced by multiple factors in your life.

The knowledge that there is no ‘perfect’ can be freeing. The strive for perfection can get in the way of developing lasting self-confidence. Comments from others are fleeting, but truly believing in your abilities is an important step on the road to confidence. You have nothing to prove to others, just yourself. Give yourself the grace to make mistakes and grow from them.

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Written by Jessy Pucker, LMSW

“Let us reflect on what is truly of value in life, what gives meaning to our lives, and set our priorities on the basis of that.”-Dalai Lama

What comes first when you are writing your to-do list? We all have different priorities based on our life circumstances. Prioritizing is an essential part of maintaining a full life. Expecting yourself to give everything the same amount of effort and focus is unsustainable. Choosing what you give attention to is challenging; especially when you care deeply about multiple parts of your life. When you are able to identify your priorities, you can give them each the attention they deserve. It does not necessarily mean that one facet of your life is the most important, but rather, it is the one that needs the most attention at this moment.

Focus looks different for each person. For some, it is one sustained period of work. For others, it is short bursts of attention with breaks in between. Next time you are working, note your style of focus. No one way is better than another; each of us has our own capacity for focus. Once you know your most effective way to focus, use that as a framework for working through your priorities.

If the first step is to rank priorities, the next step is to learn to focus on them. Knowing why you are choosing to focus on a certain topic can help motivate you to do so. Why focus on this over the other things on your priority list? Take some time to consider your ‘why’ before you start to work on an activity.

Before you embark on an activity that requires you to focus, try to ground yourself in the moment. One activity that can help with this is called the ‘Body Scan’. For a quick version of this exercise, focus on each individual part of your body from your toes up to your head. For example: breathe in, notice how your toes feel on the ground, breathe out. Continue this up your legs, arms, and onto your face. This helps you ground your body in the moment.

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Written by Jessy Pucker, LMSW

It takes work to create a product, whether that be tangible or something else related to your industry. That being said, not all work is productive. This distinction is important because we are often praised for working longer hours by employers, which helps create the misconception that more work equals more productivity. We all work differently. Some people need time to ease into their best work; others are able to complete tasks quickly. In the end, either style can create good work. The amount of hours we put into a certain task does not necessarily determine its quality. This is one-size-fits-all thinking has to be reframed for us to understand the value of our time.

Your time is valuable. That may seem obvious, but we can forget it in between the stress of trying to be productive and getting ahead at work. Recognizing the value of your time can put the work you do into perspective. Including non-work activities into your daily work day is good for your mental health. It can be empowering to give yourself a break from your tasks at work, and in the end, it can boost productivity in all areas of life.

Productivity can be boosted by ‘non-work’ activities that are not always seen as productive. The ‘Shower Thought’ is a widely known example of this. People believe that their best ideas come in times of relaxation; this can be in the shower, on a walk, or listening to music. Relaxation is not the opposite of productivity. In fact, moderate relaxation can promote productivity when paired with times of focus.

This is a reminder that your time is your own. Value it, treat it with respect, and productivity will follow.

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Written by Jessy Pucker, LMSW

In the constantly changing landscape of our lives, it can feel counterintuitive to quiet your brain. More thoughts equal more progress, right? But this isn’t necessarily true. Burnout extends beyond the workplace. You don’t have to work a 9-5 job to feel overwhelmed and overextended. In a society that over-values productivity and under-values personal growth, it is easy to forget about the importance of taking a break.

Here are some ways to help give your mind the break it deserves:

• Breathe. There is power behind a deep breath. This gives you the opportunity to pause, calm, and reset.
• Free write. Release all of your thoughts onto a page without judgment. Set a timer for 5 minutes and try to write without overthinking or focusing on the quality.
• Try a Guided Imagery activity. Go to this link for more information from VeryWell Mind.
• Stretch or do a short exercise. Moving our bodies can take us out of our minds and refocus our attention on the body.

These breaks don’t have to be long to be effective. Actively working on improving your mental health is not always about making big changes, but rather, many small ones. Try to take 5-10 minutes each day to do one of these stress relieving activities.

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Written by Jessy Pucker, LMSW

At Refresh, we work with high-achieving individuals who are committed to doing the work of therapy. Part of this ‘work’ is building confidence in yourself. High achievement does not equate to confidence, as many would assume. High achievers often feel immense pressure to continue to perform well; whether it be in their personal lives or their professional lives. Affirmations can be used to improve self-esteem and promote positive self-talk. When we strengthen those skills, it is easier to acknowledge our progress and motivate us for the future.

Our words have power, whether they are said to others or ourselves. We spend the whole day thinking (and sometimes speaking) to ourselves. Think about how you would feel if the words you said to yourself were positive. Would you have more confidence? How would it impact your self-esteem?

Below are a few affirmations that can be utilized by those who feel overwhelmed by the pressure to perform. Repeat them to yourself as needed. This can be done by writing them in a daily journal, saying them in the mirror, or any other way that feels useful to you.

1. I am proud of who I have become
2. I deserve to take time for myself
3. I am worthy of self-care and care from others
4. I am allowed to make mistakes and learn from them
5. The journey towards personal growth is not always linear

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Written by Jessy Pucker, LMSW